Red One – REVIEW

J.K. Simmons and Dwayne Johnson in Red One


Cutting right to the chase on this one, especially since it’s after Christmas: Red One is garish. I can’t even say it’s the worst thing in the world, mainly because it’s at least got some ambition to it. Santa Claus is reimagined as a bodybuilding, cookie-eating machine and is played by J.K. Simmons. There’s also little hints to other mythological beings that are probably being set up to show up in a hypothetical sequel, but who knows if that’s going to happen. St. Nick is protected by MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority), which is basically the S.H.I.E.L.D. equivalent to this world, alongside his personal security team led by The Rock (I can’t remember his character’s name, but I’m not bothered to look it up, so like his contracts for every movie, The Rock wins). Santa’s kidnapped, so The Rock has to team up with hacker Chris Evans (also can’t remember his name) to save Christmas from being annihilated by a Christmas witch played by Kiernan Shipka. That’s what they call her in the movie: a Christmas witch. The only bit of enjoyment I really got out of Red One was the worldbuilding at the beginning. I realize that I’m a sucker for fleshing out a new, fantastical world, so director Jake Kasdan got a couple of chuckles out of me for that alone. The positives are out of the way now. Red One doesn’t just crash, it belly flops so hard that you could feel it on the shallow end of the pool. I’ve been a fan of Evans for years, and even I can admit that this is a low point for him. The Rock is being The Rock here, but Evans should be more than capable to pull off a smidge of chemistry. Simply put, Evans doesn’t do it. It could be the almost non-existent script, but it’s like Evans forgot what made him a superstar. Even the action, which should probably be a lay-up, is shoddy and borders on unwatchable, which is noticeable given that this has a budget of nearly $250 million. Sure, there were a couple of interesting flashes of something here, but Red One doesn’t come close to having the Christmas spirit.

Ryan’s Grade: D-